Dwell Time: Distorting Yourself to Be Perfect

I heard Brené Brown* speak when she swung through the San Francisco Bay Area last month. She spoke about the importance of authenticity and, more importantly, the cost of maintaining a second existence (my words.) Brené said that many of us are dominated by the hustle for worthiness-- the need to fulfill others' [or even our own] expectations of us. We tend to orphan the parts of ourselves that we think don't belong to the ideal. The result is, we start to live outside of ourselves.

Brené continued by saying that living as someone other than yourself is not a benign act. There are consequences. From my perspective, the biggest cost is a fundamental unhappiness with yourself. That and the sheer energy cost of maintaining this "I'm not enough, what will people think?" mantra in your head.

A song in my CD changer reminded me to share all of this with you. In Sting's song "She's Too Good For Me," he sings about all the dimensions of himself that aren't good enough for his girl.

She don't like the way I look
She don't like the things I cook
She don't like the way I play
She don't like the things I say
But oh, oh, the games we play

But after this long list, he says:


Let's face it. We're all drawn to real people. And the first step to being a real person? Being okay with yourself--your whole self. Not just the part of yourself you put in your professional bio. And when you are living with your full self, I bet you and those around you will prefer it.

Check out Brené Brown's recent article on CNN.com.

*Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent 10 years studying vulnerability, shame, authenticity and courage. She is the author of "The Gifts of Imperfection" (Hazelden) and has a blog on courage.